SKIN

 

My skin is something that has been such a big battle within my life. I am constantly insecure about it and want to share my journey with people who may struggle with the same thing. If you don’t know my story, I would love to tell you. When I was really young, maybe around the age of fourteen, I started getting acne - I didn’t think anything of it at the time as I was becoming a teenager and it seemed like normal growth. It started getting extremely noticeable and lumpy and it really put a strain on my confidence as a young teen. It began to be really cystic, meaning it was in huge and painful and spread around my face. When my Father was young, he had really bad acne and I feel like this part of my journey was hereditary. It began to get worse, I cried a lot as I didn’t know how people may react - having acne is such an ‘elephant in the room’ especially at an age where people are so judgmental. It may come to a surprise to people that I didn’t cover my skin and somehow I had the confidence to walk around with absolutely no care in the world, until I looked in the mirror. Myself and my parents started to see different doctors and specialist - spending hundreds on products that didn’t make any difference - it felt like a journey that was never going to end. There was one medication that was particularly scary and we tried to avoid for a while, known as Accutane (Roaccutane). It began to be increasingly more painful, almost to the point where I couldn’t deal with it any longer. 

 

We decided that we had to go with the last option of Accutane, knowing the side effects were pretty extreme, I had to make a leap for myself and take it day by day. The side effects of the medication are pretty brutal, It essentially takes all natural oils out of your skin. An imbalance in oils is what causes pores to clog and create acne. The possible side effects include; dry eyes, dry lips, nose bleeds, headaches, ear infections, sore bones, depression, anxiety, skin rashes, burning of the skin, liver problems and if pregnant it will cause birth defects. On paper, the side effects were extremely nerving and all very common. Each month I had to visit the hospital for blood tests and pregnancy tests too, the dermatologist were great and assured me that this would be the end of having acne. As the medication started to set in, my skin would crack and bleed, my nose would bleed frequently and I would have several infections in my eyes and ears. Very luckily for me, my mental health was very stable and did not get effected on this occasion. A significant time that I still remember was being in math class in high school, we were writing and suddenly my book turns red and my nose is bleeding uncontrollably - it was embarrassing and nobody could understand why it kept happening. It’s hard to communicate feelings at this age and for people to deeply understand what you’re going through. I fortunately had good friends, and this made no difference to them, however of course people did say mean things. There was an occasion where an unknown account was made about our high school on twitter, where mean comments were posted about random individuals at our school. The twitter account grew and gradually got more and more followers from our school, which of course at that age is such a big deal. “Stay away from Ella Baynes, you might catch her skin disease” was tweeted, I had never known my world to come crashing down so hard. I did have such a huge support system and I had messages from many people apologising for what had happened and the way this anonymous person spoke about myself. I didn’t come into school for two days, as knew so many people had read that tweet and it was going to highlight my face. The school handled it really badly, and it really knocked me, I was devastated. I kept my head down and carried on.  

After months of hospital trips and making sure I was okay in myself, my skin eventually started healing - there were pretty enormous scarring across my face, but as I was young this also had time to heal. By the time I was around sixteen- my skin was clear and I was so so happy with the results. 

 

After a year or so of clear skin, my acne did return - due to how powerful the medication was I was only able to take it three times in my whole life. I decided to do another course, this one was easier as I knew what products to use and how to deal with the side effects. This course was still hard as you are not able to drink alcohol while taking the medication, because of the connections with your liver. While all my friends were out drinking, I was not able to and felt left out - when I look back at this, it was only a minor hiccup in life. 

 

After this course I had clear skin for so many years, with only a few minor spots here and there. I am now 21 and still really struggle with my skin - the acne this time is hormonal and in a different position to where I had it when I was young. When older it really does bother me, however my peers understand now and some have experienced acne too. I am able to cover it with makeup, but brings me anxiety that people may bring it up or notice it. When forming new relationships with people, I find it really difficult - in my head it’s something that’s really ugly, the media has definitely made me feel this way. With models and high fashion portraying women who have been blessed with beautiful skin, it’s hard to not compare myself to the beauty standards today. I feel as if there isn’t a huge platform for women or men who have bad skin - yet being a plus size model is now being publicised way more, which Is amazing - but I wish there was more media covering how acne can be beautiful and shouldn’t have to be a standard that’s kept. There is also a lot of brands and business’ out there who want your money, they advertise products full of chemicals and perfumes that they say will help acne - but clinically they don’t always work. They advertise with women who already have flawless skin, and I do think this is what is wrong with society surrounding helping people who have acne, both mentally and physically. I want there to be a safe space for people who are struggling with this kind of insecurity and I am more than open if you would like to speak to me about certain products I have used in the past, or emotional support on your journey with acne. 

 

My journey still carries on and I am still battling with my skin, however I wanted to share my experience - even if this helps one person to feel a little bit more confident about themselves, then it was worth writing.